I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
