bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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