I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
