Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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