oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
