Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Quick, to the slutcave!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
