Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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