he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
