Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
