I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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