I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
