you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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