My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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