why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Someone signed my nipple.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
