that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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