I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
