i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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