Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
