Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
