This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
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