you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
