So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
