Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
