I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
