tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
