I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
