Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
