i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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