Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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