I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
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It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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