Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
