I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
