I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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