just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
