I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
