I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Boobs are out for the taking
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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