At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
