So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
