I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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