I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
