So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
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just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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