I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
