piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
