My girlfriend figured out who you are.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
