i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
