found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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