On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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