Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
