Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
