so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
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