I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
