just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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