I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
