I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
