sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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